The Healing is Never Finished

When trauma is not in the past, it was here just now.

My mother’s email seared my eyes.

“When are you going to get out of your own way? Your future looks bleak.”

My body went cold in that familiar old way – a chill that burst into my heart and radiated outward and I thought to myself – “When will I escape this pattern?”

Always my first thought-the slippery slope arrives quickly.
I can turn to the victim fast with that line of questioning.

Take a beat.

My next thought: “This still isn’t over?”
My weariness is real.

I was asking for help - we were in a tight spot, and I was reaching out. I don’t do it often.

This response is why - I knew it wouldn’t be kind. I wasn’t sure it was worth it.

But like I said, I was in a tight spot.

Then my defensive reaction to lash out: “I wonder where I learned that?” because as cruel she tries to be, there’s always a part of me that was trained by her to be like her – and my forked tongue game is unmatched when it comes to leveling others. Many fear it. She helped me hone it, and I

I try to be careful with that more now – I am much more cautious with my language these days.

I learned that language is the key to a lot of things.

With that caution comes the need to pause before acting.  And that’s when I realized why her question angered me so much.

Because she is not completely wrong – I have been in my own way. 

She didn’t have to come for me like that to make the point

How do I know? Because I came to that conclusion long before she did – back in 2018, I realized I needed to start tending to things to get out of my own way.

My approach is more gentle and loving than hers (and also, I’ve made better progress with my approach).

And I think this encounter with her now shows the ways I have grown.  I am proud of myself.

My eventual response was to realize, “We all are in our own way.  That’s the path – getting out of our own way, healing, becoming whole.”

And I saw how far I’ve come. Yay me!

I did not reply with hatred – though I felt a lot of rage.

I did not reply with same tenor as I received, even.

I took a little time before I replied. And then, when I decided what to say, I responded.

I did not spew back more bile and hatred .

Did you know our minds do not know the difference between you and me?

Our internal selves, our subconscious selves? We know we are all connected, we are one. So if we say degrading things about others, our brain interprets it as how we talk about ourselves.

It’s internalized, all of it.

I know this from that work I’ve been doing.
It’s why I work so hard on how I talk to myself. 

So where does that leave us?

I do feel compassion for her.

After 80+ years she still talks to herself with a level of disdain that I know is hard to endure – she taught all her behaviors to me, and I had to unlearn many of them.  She was unrelentingly judgmental of herself and because of that she is judgmental of others. All while trying to demonstrate to the world that things are picture perfect in her world so she won’t be judged. She performs perfection (and fails and berates herself) and that cycle is so awful, I cannot fathom why she never tried to escape.

But there she remains, and it’s made her sort of mean, honestly.

Perfection is a tool of white supremacy. 

I’ve said it before - I’ve learned this from Black Women studying how to be anti-racist. The connection between perfectionism and self loathing is something I’ve started to focus on the last few years because it’s so prolific in my family.

The lack of perfection is how white folx justify our terrible treatment of ourselves - and then we just spread this ick everywhere our unhealed selves go.

That’s a big overly simplified snapshot of how I am viewing white supremacy right now.

None of us can achieve perfection as humans.

Berating ourselves because we are imperfect is just a wild way to sap your own energy on the regs.

And so many do it!

My family is laden with people struggling with self loathing and unhealed trauma.

WE CHOOSE OUR BATTLES

My mom never successfully escaped that pattern – I don’t know how hard she tried, or if she realized she could.  Which is sort of funny, because she’s tried everything else - she has energy for a challenge.

She loves to compete. She really loves to WIN.

She is an impressive person.

She started climbing mountains in her 50s. 

She walked over 500 miles in her 70s across Spain (Camino de Santiago). 

She even got my dad to go back to Europe the year before he died – a marvel if you knew my father and his lack of desire to fly, let alone over an ocean. 

He only went overseas one other time, on the trip where he courted my mother and asked her to marry him.

He preferred a road trip.

LEARNING TO USE OUR POWERS FOR GOOD

She appears to be afraid of nothing – but that’s an illusion.

She competes in regular feats where she can be commended - marathons, 5Ks, volunteering to serve or honor troops or veterans.

She performs for an audience, regularly and often.

I have rejected performance over authenticity all my life.

It’s the singular biggest reason we’re not closer.

“When you don’t face your shadows, it will rule your life, and you will call it fate.” -Carl Jung

In truth, she says that she is afraid of everything. 

Her most dominant phrase begins with “I’m afraid…” and then she recites her fears, anxieties, unhealed trauma, unprocessed anger or whatever else is haunting her that moment. 

It’s exhausting to be around, and eternal work because she won’t change it – so if you’re trying to aid her you are needed perpetually. 

It requires a lot of energy, and it can be draining. It took me decades to say no, and start to establish really firm boundaries.

Because she continues to be careless with her language, I don’t talk to her very often.  My life has been riddled with decades of her casting verbal spells of fear and angst over me.

She’s done it for so long and prolifically that in the start of my life, I believed her more than me.

It took me decades to find my own version of life and how I saw it that wasn’t based in fear and angst.

I had been brainwashed by her regular transmissions, and when I left home it took me nearly 20 years to snap out of that trance and find my own version and voice and truth.

WAKING UP FROM A STORY

My truth is that I am powerful, loving, kind, and capable.

I discovered that I can choose joy, happiness, peace and contentment in this life.

AND I DID.

AND I DO!

But doing that also means I do not spend a lot of time with her – lest I fall into the traps she lays – those same traps I laid for myself for years – cyclical, abusive, cruel traps on loop over and over – disempowering myself without anyone around. 

I spent years tearing myself down on behalf of everyone those who taught me to do that but who are – no longer around? I am tired doing lousy work that makes me feel lousy for people that made me feel lousy?

Weird. 
Why would we perpetuate that?

But we do.
Sometimes because we don’t know we could stop.

But we can.
Especially if you’re really driven to change it.

One day I decided I really hated it

I hated being alone with myself.

I hated how I felt when I was alone. 

I sought friendships or any kind of company all the time to distract me from myself. 

I drank to disassociate from my internal dialog.

I smoked weed to calm myself down and allow myself to focus on things that I enjoy; to tune out the chaos of the world and shut it off so I can let my guard down and go inward.

I WANTED SOMETHING BETTER

I started doing some reading, research, and meditation and breathing exercises and tending to myself with love.

And?

I discovered that I could change my voice. 
My language.  My behaviors.  My patterns.

And then I did.

Slowly.  Small practices. Small boundaries. Small rituals.  

Small choices. Choices that seem silly. But they were important.

More stickers. 
More colors. 
More joy. 
More self encouragement. 
More positive affirmation. 
More statements of what I wanted. 

Less of what was taking without giving.  Less of the relationships that took all my energy and left me with no space for my journey.

It didn’t matter who they are – the new rules of my life are clear.

All relationships are on the scale.

The math is thus:

Value add or bust.  Reciprocity or no deal.  Love leads us, and with that compassion and grace. 

If you can’t find that place, we’re not aligned.

I RELEASE YOU WITH LOVE

I love you.  I release you.  Thank you for the lessons, the experiences, the love. 
Goodbye.

I have more to do

My life is not perfect. 
I do have things to attend to and do and accomplish.

But my mom is wrong about my future.

My future has never been so bright. 

And it’s because of the healing I have done and continue to do.
I hoped we would heal together.  That was not our path. 
It was hard to accept, but I here we are.

Now you understand my disdain for Mother’s Day. 

Because all mothers are not the same.
They are not all loving, doting, caring, kind people who would do anything for their kids.

Some of them do anything they want TO their kids.
We have to make space for that truth – especially in my world.

My mom is alive – she sent this email to me this week

She sent it during the start of a new year when most people are clinging to their loved ones and cherishing them. No.
She is not reaching out to me and wanting connection.

Sometimes, I think she seeks to break me.

My mom is not like other moms.

And even still?
I am able to heal my mother wound(s).

I AM THE EVIDENCE OF MY PROGRESS

A lot of folks coach based on what they learned from the past, lessons learned from childhood or early in life.  Not me.  My learning continues to expand each year my mom lives - and that Spain walk was in the last 4 years, y’all. She’s sticking around.

My growth is real and ongoing.

I coach from ongoing lessons, learnings, knowledge and insight.  I didn’t just survive it in the past.  I am surviving every day.

LOVE IS FOR GIVING

I love my family and I forgive them.

I forgive myself for the things that have happened, and continue to happen. 

And also, I have stricter boundaries with people now, even family.

It helps me a LOT.

I know how to be loving and still have boundaries with those who are not beneficial for me.
I know how to tend to myself in spite of having a family that struggles with self love.
I know how to leave others behind to ensure I am okay – even if those people are beloved.

And they are - beloved.

I love them all.

I understand a lot of our history, where we came from, how the hurt arose and was perpetuated.

THERE ARE GOOD REASONS

I don’t blame her for it (all) – we have a disruption in our maternal line – a loss of my great grandmother when my grandmother was only 8 years old.  Learning how to mother and nurture and love ourselves well was not something we learned from our mothers, and I think that is partially because of this disruption.

Immature adults are not great parents, and a lot of us were raised by immature adults.  When several generations of immature adults arise, there can be real chaos in the family as the adults seek out the children for stability.

The roots, the branches, the trunk, they’re all wrapped up together and they strangle each other.

It’s sad.  It’s trauma.

SO WHATCHUGONNA DO?

It’s our role to create meaning out of the life we have; and I choose to create meaning with love, care, and kindness. 

Regardless of how my foundation may have begun, now I can affirm: 

I am love. I am light.

I stand by it, dammit. lol.

HATING YOURSELF INTO A BETTER PERSON DOES NOT WORK

I’ve tried to belittle myself into becoming better.

When you’re mean to you? 
You can NEVER catch traction on GOOD THINGS.

When you’re mean to yourself?
You are busy being in your own way, weighing yourself down.

DO NOT DWELL ON DESOLATE GROUND. ~Sun Tzu

Our path is through this discomfort to the healing. 

Don’t stay stuck just because those before you couldn’t make the progress.  We all face challenges in all forms, and we get to decide what is worth it. 

What we will do when it’s our time to do something?

Well, it’s been my turn to do something. And so, I’m deciding.

I am here to break cycles, and I am proud of myself today.

I am encouraging myself, turning the other cheek to hatred directed at me, and maintaining my boundaries, rituals, and self affirmative behaviors.

Because I AM worth it.

I am proud of myself for disengaging, separating, reinforcing myself with my rituals, coaches, uplifting my own existence. 

I am asking my angels and guides to help me integrate this experience quickly and release any residue with ease.

Because I am so exhausted by these old stories.

The circular pattern on repeat.

DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT

Part of this story requires silence from those who are part of it. That’s what got to me this time.

The world is cracking open with authenticity right now.
I am tired of enduring this in a void.
I write these words to you to break my silence.

And to be honest and transparent: she did help me, but it came at a cost.

NOT EVERYONE DESERVES ACCESS

Oprah got everyone in their feels with her show talking about estranged parents and children.

Some of us have good reasons to be out of touch with people in our lives - even parental people.

Some of those people are horrible on purpose, and they count on our silence so they can continue. 

I reject that experience. 
I will not stay silent.
My mom continues to give me things to heal from and through.
Not in the past, right now, today.

What’s the point?

BE THE CHANGE

Honestly, it’s not to talk about her, it’s to talk about me.

In spite of my mom, I am happy and joyful in my life.

If you thought you could never escape a toxic system, family, dialogue, inner narrative – we should spend some time together. 

I don’t have all the answers – who does?

But I sure to know how to get results if you want results.

When I did respond to my mom I reaffirmed my own truth to us both:

“I am light. I am love.”

I am here to contribute

I am here to share my gifts with the world, and if those gifts can help you, I hope we can connect.

If you just stay in touch to read my writing, that would be amazing, too.

2026 is a new era

I plan to act accordingly.

How about you? 

What are you doing to break your outgrown patterns this year?

Are you ready to step into your own happy place when you’re alone with yourself? 

I am 8 years into my journey, and I LOVE what has changed, how I engage, and the new ways I see myself and my life with this expanded perspective.

When you’re ready to expand yours – we should chat!

Curious if we’re a good match?  Book a quick discovery call and see how we vibe, how fast you feel you get value, and if you like the contributions I can give.

To make a change, we must do something different.

What’s the thing you’re doing differently today?

May you know peace in your heart in 2026.

I am grateful for you, as always.

Xo,

Jax